Category Archives: Writings

One day.

One day your life will change.

One day.

You won’t be so cold. You’re going to laugh until you cry and laugh until you can’t laugh anymore…but then you do.

You’re going to feel again. You’re going to feel everything all at once.

You’ll look back on your life and not feel so sad.

One day.

You won’t feel embarrassed.

You’re biggest worry will be what’s for dinner and not will “you be alive when I get home?”

You’re going to wake up and not feel like you’re gasping for air every second of the day.

One day.

You won’t feel so scared anymore.

You won’t wake up screaming with anxiety.

You won’t roll over and have the urge to check for a pulse.

One day.

You won’t have to wonder, you’ll just know.

You won’t wake up at 2 am and see if their chest is moving.

You won’t have to make excuses. Period.

One day.

You will be selfish in the best humanly way possible and take care of yourself for once in your goddamned life and answer to no one.

You will feel normal again.

You’ll remember what it’s like to feel whole again.

One day.

You won’t feel stupid and betrayed. Instead you’ll feel empowered and inspired to be the best version of you.

You’ll love the person you are and take pride in that.

You’ll wake up.

One day.

One day.

Today.

Short stories of a fat kitten

September 12, 2017

“Get out of the dishwasher!”, I shout. Words I never thought I would say.

“Meooooowwwww”, comes from the dishwasher. Sylvester’s high meow and purring echoing from inside my clean appliance. 

“I’m trying to do the dishes! Get out!”, I shriek. I toss water at him and he just blinks and stares at me. Shaking the water drops off his long fur.

“Why? Why must you drive me nuts!?” 

I continue to scrub away at my dishes. 

A little cat squeak comes from the hole under my counter. 

“Are you comfortable? I’m so happy you’re comfortable. Don’t let me disturb you!” As the words come out I’m thinking to myself, “I’m arguing with my cat.” 

Bang. Clang. Bang.

I turn around and see my five month old hellion of a kitten climb out of the dishwasher finally. 

“You behave or you’re going upstairs.” I say sternly. 

I begin to scrub away again when I feel a little paw tapping away at my foot. 

I look down and there he is. Under the dishwasher trying to play with my feet.

“Yep, I’m not ready for children. This is enough for me.” I say aloud.

Without skipping a beat a little meow comes from below. 



Based on a true story. 

If you do read this post. Post a 😻 on my Instagram post! Lifessidebar

In-depth look into newly released unsealed Roof trial documents

Newly-unsealed court documents have been released in regards to Dylann Roof’s federal trial.

The 11-page affidavit shows not only the process of the trial but photos of one of the messages between Roof and his attorney David Bruck.

“This affidavit includes our collective observations of Mr. Roof’s salient behaviors and symptoms since the conclusion of the competency hearing on November 22, 2016,” the document states.

The documents provide more insight into Roof’s sanity. The attorneys stated that the defendant, Roof, discussed his beliefs that his body was “underdeveloped” multiple times during a meeting. Roof believed his arms and legs were different sizes and he insisted that his beliefs were not delusions but fact.  He said this is because the testosterone “affected” one side of his body, causing it to develop more than the other side.

They also state he had told the counsel that something was wrong with his forehead. When the counsel began to show photos of his forehead, taken after he had been beaten by another inmate last fall, he begged them to discard the photos and he refused to look at them.

Roof also believed Judge Gergel liked him because he “smiled at him”, according to the documents. He believed the court’s affection for him would shift the “Universal Consciousness” in his favor.

As shown below, the documents show Roof’s thoughts about his fate.

Roof

Roof fate

 

Roof’s attorneys say he was easily overwhelmed in the affidavit. They say he would reject suggestions and was unwilling to say the word “objection” due to fear of the judge being mad at him and fear of embarrassment.

Documents state Roof also wanted to select potential jurors. One of his demands was that he did not want a young and attractive woman on his jury because it would make him anxious. When neither party agreed to this request, Roof became outraged and in front of the crowd in the courtroom expressed how upset he was. Roof said he would be bothered “every single day” she was in the jury box looking at him, documents state.

At one point during the trial, Roof began to discuss his plans for once he got out of jail. They say he plans to have a screenplay produced and went into detail about the musical soundtrack and instruments he hopes to feature.

During the guilt phase of the trial, attorneys say Roof fixated on a spot on a table rather than engaging in what was being said.

When he did occasionally respond to comments from his attorneys he would respond back saying how he was upset with them, and would smile as he said it. He did show concern in regards to what personal photographs were being seen by the courtroom.

Section 14 of the documents reflect on the incident where Roof threatened his attorney. One of his attorneys, Emily Paavola requested a break to discuss with Roof that she intended to introduce the photographs from inside his car. During the trial Roof wrote a note to counsel staying, “You are a liar you lied about not presenting exhibits. If you do it a [sic] swear to god you will regret it.”

The documents show a photo of the actual notes exchanged between Roof and his counsel. They say that Roof said if the counsel did not agree to his demands he would have an “outburst” in the courtroom.

Roof notes

Roof’s attorneys state in the documents that, “The defendant’s assessment of the government’s case against him was consistently inaccurate and based on his fixation on minor details and his inability to understand the perceptions of others.” They go on to say that Roof thought the SLED agent who read his personal journal had a “nice voice” and that reading his journal was “great” for him.

They also say that during breaks when they would go over what was discussed with Roof he would fixate on minor details rather than the impact of the evidence had on his trial.

Also, when asked to reflect on the prosecution’s opening statement and facts about each of the victims they say he would just say words to the effect of “I don’t know what you are talking about, but did you hear how he referred to the total number of pictures that I took?”

Coming to the end of the trial the attorneys say Roof was mainly interested in the way his sweater smelled and said it was “washed with too much detergent.”

The affidavit says he stated, “you are trying to kill me” to attorney Kimberly Stevens. To which she explained that she was not trying to kill the defendant, but she was sorry his sweater had been washed with too much detergent.

After the closing arguments concluded the documents state that Roof was angry with attorney David Bruck for “giving a bad argument”. The affidavit states, “The defendant stated that the argument could have been good if Mr. Bruck had told the jury what statistics they would find if they actually Googled “black on white crime.” The defendant stated his belief that if all people were simply exposed to one hour of internet research on black on white crime, they would understand why he had to commit these crimes. He asserted that “blacks want us all dead.”

According to Bruck, Roof informed him that he hated him and that if he gets out of jail he plans to come to his home and kill him.

 

Roof threat

Roof was sentenced earlier this year to death for shooting and killing nine people at Mother Emanuel AME Church in Downtown Charleston in June 2015.

On Monday, Roof pleaded guilty to 13 state charges against him as part of a plea deal to avoid a death sentence in that trial.

 

Facework: Social media at its finest

Facework, this concept refers to “using communication to maintain your own self-image and to seek approval of your face (your positive perception of who you are from others); you are also engaged in facework when you support, reinforce, or challenge someone else’s face (or self-perception).” (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, Interpersonal communication: relating to others, p. 43). To put it in plain English it is basically how we make ourselves look to the public. Social media helps with this theory because we choose what we publish hourly, daily, weekly and so on. Our lives could be a complete mess; but how would the public know if all we post are happy posts?
Social media is a blessing and a curse. I say this because I do have multiple social media accounts and a blog (ie: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, WordPress etc.). It is a blessing because I have been able to connect with others close and far with ease. It is a curse because in a way social media sucks us in and before we know it we define our self-worth based on the “likes” we get on a post. I remember the first photo I ever received over fifty likes on. I personally disliked the photo. I had just dyed my hair and it was in the midway point of going lighter so it was an orange color. Typically with selfies or any photo for that matter I averaged at about fifteen to twenty likes, but something about this photo made people like it. I was shocked and it was a weird rewarding feeling to be honest. Which is awful! We shouldn’t base our self-worth from the gratification of others, but in ways we do. We share every detail of our lives with the public and it creates this pressure to be perfect. Think about it; what if for a month every single post you shared went without any likes? For years your photos got over a hundred plus likes and then suddenly you went under the radar and no one paid you attention. For some that would be a harsh blow to their egos and self-esteem. There are few who wouldn’t care, but in today’s world we all want to get “likes”. We want to share the perfect photo of the perfect moment or perfect food dish to get the perfect amount of likes. Social media makes us want to make our facework perfect.

There are celebrities that are under a microscope at all times just to catch a flaw. I think that over time judgement from the public has lead people to not only change their appearances but change the way they act because they just want to be liked. There are a few vloggers I enjoy to watch and some have spoken out about the judgement that comes with putting yourself out there and how everyone has an opinion about your life.

It is ironic and brilliant that Facebook is named what it is since facework’s definition is so spot on to what Facebook’s goal is. It is the epitome of facework. When Instagram however came on the scene it changed the game up a bit. There were these new things called “filters”. It was a nice way of photo-shopping our photos without feeling guilty for it. Feeling like you look a bit pale? Just apply the “rise” or “hefe” filter and now you have a nice tan. Better yet, just not looking your best that day and you want to add an extra nudge to your photo just add any filter that makes you look bright and shiny.

When you have something embarrassing happen or you get into an argument with someone close and you have to rectify the situation then you have to “save face”. You have to save the way you want the world to see you.  Aside from online facework there are times where we have to use it in the real world. When there were mass shootings going on pretty much all over the country and the president had to address the public about what had happened he couldn’t go on stage crying, cussing and just expressing his full anger. He had to stay strong for the country and help keep the country together during the hard times. During my freshman year of high school I slipped on the bleachers in the middle of a football game and fell flat on by butt. Instead of crying, because quite frankly anyone falling on bleachers will hopefully agree with me when I say that it is not a pleasant feeling, I sat there and smiled. There are times where we can’t or don’t want the world to see how we really feel because of fear of embarrassment or judgment so instead we put on a face. As stated before, in today’s society it is a lot easier to do this because of the internet.

We care so much about what we post online that we forget to actually live our lives sometimes. There have been times where I have caught myself literally pausing what I’m doing to snap a photo to post for the world to see. Why?! No one really cares. We care though. We feel the need to maintain this image of ourselves to the world and we can’t look fragile or broken. I personally don’t have Snapchat but there are filters that literally are made to make you look “better”. We are in a world that our hashtags, filters, mentions, likes and tags are what define us. So far the facework train for social media does not seem to be slowing down anytime soon.