Tag Archives: new blogger

Go ahead and brush ya shoulders off..

The other day someone who I have not seen in forever made a comment that has stuck with me.
Paraphrasing but:
“I’m so glad you got out of that. I always felt like it brought you down when you’re a cool girl all on your own.”

You don’t think about things like that until someone points it out to you.

Year 24 I feel like has been a year of growth. I’m still working on myself. It’s going to take time but progress has been made for sure. I still have a couple months until I turn 25 (wait what…I feel like I just had a birthday…) but I feel like I aged more this year than any other fucking year of my life.

One adjustment is the whole being “alone” thing.

Why are we as humans so scared about being alone? At the end of the day you have yourself. Surprise surprise right? Only you can be responsible for you. You have to remember your self worth. Yes, have your breakdown nights where you drink too much and get emotional. Do that shit in moderation though because the next morning you wake up thinking “bitch, get a hold of yourself because you are awesome.”

Also… IT’S. OKAY. TO. CALL. YOURSELF. BITCH. it’s not always in a mean way. I do it all the time when I have to have a talk with myself.

Sometimes you need to have a talk with yourself. It’s not crazy believe me. You have to be your own cheerleader or that dude at games that pumps up the crowds and gets the people going.
Physical health is important but mental health is possibly even more. For real though. Lately, I have felt hypocritical if I’m honest. So this is a letter to whomever needs it as well as to myself.
You can get so down and so anxious that the only thing you want to do is stay in bed and binge watch Gilmore Girls or The Office until you pass out. As Lorelai Gilmore says in her most perfect way

“Get back in your pajamas, go to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza. Don’t take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all. And just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow.”

Yas freaking queen. *insert those hallelujah emoji hands*

Once that’s done though, be the boss bitch you are and pick yourself back up. It’s okay to not be okay. It makes you human. If you didn’t have low moments I’d be a little worried about you.

For me personally, whenever I am stressed out or anxious I become the worst workaholic EVER. I will keep myself as busy as possible even if that means working insane hours to avoid having to just sit and be with myself. What’s that saying I hear the younger generations say? “Bish what?” Because legit bish what?? No. Like Steve Carell yelling no over and over. Just no. Because all that is going to do (and I say this from experience) is make you crash and burn one day and you’re going to look like an exhausted mess that starts crying and not realizing it because you’re so damned tired. (waves to herself as she was working a show in October…ha ha)

Basically ladies and gents…again it is okay to not be okay. Just don’t lose yourself in the process. Water yourself like you would a plant (also stay hydrated because that a legit issue too…I feel you on that). You’re going to grow daily. It’s okay if you’re not in the same place you were a month ago…shit even a day ago. So much can change in a day.

That’s all. I’ve gotten better about being more open about things. (Y’all seem to like it too so win?)

Okay, go be awesome.

Love, H

“Boss up and change your life.” – Lizzo

 

 

2018

I make the joke that 2018 was basically two years in one for me.

Because looking back on January 1, 2018 and yesterday (New Years Eve 2018) I don’t feel like the same person.

Everything in my life changed this year. Literally everything I was used to.

Last New Years I had bronchitis. I was extremely sick after wandering D.C. with a cold in 30-40° weather for two days. To me that should have been a sign that 2018 was going to be a shit show haha.

January, I gained a promotion in my job. (Yay!)

February, I found out I needed to have a lumpectomy for breast tumor Norma.

March, I had said surgery.

April 1st…was one of the worst days ever and the days following. Which led to us saying goodbye to one of our dogs.

May, I graduated from college and turned 24 (yay!) on the same day but was crying during my college graduation ceremony because my at the time boyfriend didn’t show up.

The end of May and June were both a blur for me personally. A lot of personal things changed and set the path for an even bigger change.

July, I ended a 6 year chapter of my life and basically started over.

From January to July I cried a lot. I was extremely depressed and I honestly didn’t realize how depressed I was until I ended everything. I had lost weight due to stress and basically chain smoking. I was drinking very heavily after I broke things off for about a month or almost two. I went out a lot more than before because I could. I felt numb. Like I didn’t really know what to do because it was like a huge weight was gone.

Then it was like a light switch.

I started laughing more. I started doing better at both jobs. I was able to concentrate more on me.

I started to feel happy again. My nightmares started to go away (that I had been having for about eight months) and I wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night panicked. Friends and family stated they saw a difference in my demeanor and just saw how happy I was overall.

I became more open to letting people in again. My coworkers and friends talked me into dating again because I was scared to. At first I was worried about what people would think. “Oh my gosh she moved on so fast!” “Oh wow it’s only been a couple months.” “She obviously didn’t love ______” the list went on in my head. Then those around me told me that the people who matter know everything and won’t judge me.

So I said fuck it. The support was overwhelming and it was actually wonderful.

When I say 2018 felt like two years it’s because one felt very dark and very lonely and the other one was a breath of fresh air and full of happiness and love. As corny as fuck as that sounds but literally I can’t think of anything bad that has happened since July for me. I even quit smoking.

If 2018 taught me anything it’s that sometimes you have to do what scares you to do what’s best for you. There is no rule book. You have to do it on your own.

Here’s to 2019. If it’s anything like my last couple months then bring it on.

One day.

One day your life will change.

One day.

You won’t be so cold. You’re going to laugh until you cry and laugh until you can’t laugh anymore…but then you do.

You’re going to feel again. You’re going to feel everything all at once.

You’ll look back on your life and not feel so sad.

One day.

You won’t feel embarrassed.

You’re biggest worry will be what’s for dinner and not will “you be alive when I get home?”

You’re going to wake up and not feel like you’re gasping for air every second of the day.

One day.

You won’t feel so scared anymore.

You won’t wake up screaming with anxiety.

You won’t roll over and have the urge to check for a pulse.

One day.

You won’t have to wonder, you’ll just know.

You won’t wake up at 2 am and see if their chest is moving.

You won’t have to make excuses. Period.

One day.

You will be selfish in the best humanly way possible and take care of yourself for once in your goddamned life and answer to no one.

You will feel normal again.

You’ll remember what it’s like to feel whole again.

One day.

You won’t feel stupid and betrayed. Instead you’ll feel empowered and inspired to be the best version of you.

You’ll love the person you are and take pride in that.

You’ll wake up.

One day.

One day.

Today.

Dear 16 year old me,

Music Farm holds a special place in my heart. As one of my favorite venues and a place where Ive met so many wonderful people..when I got the idea to take this photo today it was more to celebrate “hey, you’re doing okay!” because me years ago would never have guessed I’d be working here or graduating college. So, here’s a little letter to myself.

Dear 16 year old Hunter,

I know you’re at a place in your life where you don’t know what you’re going to do in life. I know your 17th birthday is next week and you’re getting your first tattoo after begging your mom for months. No, the peace sign on your foot barely counts. I know this year of high school got lost from you and you messed up by throwing in the towel and quitting. I know right now you’re questioning if you’ll graduate high school on time or get your GED. I know you’re kicking yourself in the ass because you left behind two AP classes. Well, heads up…you graduate on time and kick ass in the process. You work and attend ten classes your senior year, have a very full social life. Yeah, I said it. So don’t cry over the dirt bags. You meet a ton of new people over these next couple years who change your life for the better and you become a better you. You do have a hiccup your first year of college but you bounce back. Actually, you not only bounce back but you intern at your favorite news station and then intern at your favorite music venue and meet even more amazing people from both places. You also land a job that gets you stable and you’re pretty decent at it and meet more amazing people.

You may not believe me and that’s fine. You’re kind of a stubborn ass at the moment but you find your way. Future you is actually graduating college next week on our birthday. Even if we don’t do the standard college experience you make it your own and take your time and get things done. Along the way you will run into obstacles but you will grow and learn from those. You will lose people who mean the most to you but you also learn to adapt and accept that you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. (I KNOW! WHO KNEW?!)

So, right now it’s okay to feel like a failure but I promise you one day things will be different and you’re going to look back on before and realize things do change.

Love,

Hunter 🖤