Posted on January 31, 2019
The other day someone who I have not seen in forever made a comment that has stuck with me.
“I’m so glad you got out of that. I always felt like it brought you down when you’re a cool girl all on your own.”
You don’t think about things like that until someone points it out to you.
Year 24 I feel like has been a year of growth. I’m still working on myself. It’s going to take time but progress has been made for sure. I still have a couple months until I turn 25 (wait what…I feel like I just had a birthday…) but I feel like I aged more this year than any other fucking year of my life.
One adjustment is the whole being “alone” thing.
Why are we as humans so scared about being alone? At the end of the day you have yourself. Surprise surprise right? Only you can be responsible for you. You have to remember your self worth. Yes, have your breakdown nights where you drink too much and get emotional. Do that shit in moderation though because the next morning you wake up thinking “bitch, get a hold of yourself because you are awesome.”
Also… IT’S. OKAY. TO. CALL. YOURSELF. BITCH. it’s not always in a mean way. I do it all the time when I have to have a talk with myself.
Sometimes you need to have a talk with yourself. It’s not crazy believe me. You have to be your own cheerleader or that dude at games that pumps up the crowds and gets the people going.
Physical health is important but mental health is possibly even more. For real though. Lately, I have felt hypocritical if I’m honest. So this is a letter to whomever needs it as well as to myself.
You can get so down and so anxious that the only thing you want to do is stay in bed and binge watch Gilmore Girls or The Office until you pass out. As Lorelai Gilmore says in her most perfect way
“Get back in your pajamas, go to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza. Don’t take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all. And just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow.”
Yas freaking queen. *insert those hallelujah emoji hands*
Once that’s done though, be the boss bitch you are and pick yourself back up. It’s okay to not be okay. It makes you human. If you didn’t have low moments I’d be a little worried about you.
For me personally, whenever I am stressed out or anxious I become the worst workaholic EVER. I will keep myself as busy as possible even if that means working insane hours to avoid having to just sit and be with myself. What’s that saying I hear the younger generations say? “Bish what?” Because legit bish what?? No. Like Steve Carell yelling no over and over. Just no. Because all that is going to do (and I say this from experience) is make you crash and burn one day and you’re going to look like an exhausted mess that starts crying and not realizing it because you’re so damned tired. (waves to herself as she was working a show in October…ha ha)
Basically ladies and gents…again it is okay to not be okay. Just don’t lose yourself in the process. Water yourself like you would a plant (also stay hydrated because that a legit issue too…I feel you on that). You’re going to grow daily. It’s okay if you’re not in the same place you were a month ago…shit even a day ago. So much can change in a day.
That’s all. I’ve gotten better about being more open about things. (Y’all seem to like it too so win?)
Okay, go be awesome.
“Boss up and change your life.” – Lizzo
Posted on January 1, 2019
I make the joke that 2018 was basically two years in one for me.
Because looking back on January 1, 2018 and yesterday (New Years Eve 2018) I don’t feel like the same person.
Everything in my life changed this year. Literally everything I was used to.
Last New Years I had bronchitis. I was extremely sick after wandering D.C. with a cold in 30-40° weather for two days. To me that should have been a sign that 2018 was going to be a shit show haha.
January, I gained a promotion in my job. (Yay!)
February, I found out I needed to have a lumpectomy for breast tumor Norma.
March, I had said surgery.
April 1st…was one of the worst days ever and the days following. Which led to us saying goodbye to one of our dogs.
May, I graduated from college and turned 24 (yay!) on the same day but was crying during my college graduation ceremony because my at the time boyfriend didn’t show up.
The end of May and June were both a blur for me personally. A lot of personal things changed and set the path for an even bigger change.
July, I ended a 6 year chapter of my life and basically started over.
From January to July I cried a lot. I was extremely depressed and I honestly didn’t realize how depressed I was until I ended everything. I had lost weight due to stress and basically chain smoking. I was drinking very heavily after I broke things off for about a month or almost two. I went out a lot more than before because I could. I felt numb. Like I didn’t really know what to do because it was like a huge weight was gone.
Then it was like a light switch.
I started laughing more. I started doing better at both jobs. I was able to concentrate more on me.
I started to feel happy again. My nightmares started to go away (that I had been having for about eight months) and I wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night panicked. Friends and family stated they saw a difference in my demeanor and just saw how happy I was overall.
I became more open to letting people in again. My coworkers and friends talked me into dating again because I was scared to. At first I was worried about what people would think. “Oh my gosh she moved on so fast!” “Oh wow it’s only been a couple months.” “She obviously didn’t love ______” the list went on in my head. Then those around me told me that the people who matter know everything and won’t judge me.
So I said fuck it. The support was overwhelming and it was actually wonderful.
When I say 2018 felt like two years it’s because one felt very dark and very lonely and the other one was a breath of fresh air and full of happiness and love. As corny as fuck as that sounds but literally I can’t think of anything bad that has happened since July for me. I even quit smoking.
If 2018 taught me anything it’s that sometimes you have to do what scares you to do what’s best for you. There is no rule book. You have to do it on your own.
Here’s to 2019. If it’s anything like my last couple months then bring it on.
Posted on October 23, 2018
One day your life will change.
You won’t be so cold. You’re going to laugh until you cry and laugh until you can’t laugh anymore…but then you do.
You’re going to feel again. You’re going to feel everything all at once.
You’ll look back on your life and not feel so sad.
You won’t feel embarrassed.
You’re biggest worry will be what’s for dinner and not will “you be alive when I get home?”
You’re going to wake up and not feel like you’re gasping for air every second of the day.
You won’t feel so scared anymore.
You won’t wake up screaming with anxiety.
You won’t roll over and have the urge to check for a pulse.
You won’t have to wonder, you’ll just know.
You won’t wake up at 2 am and see if their chest is moving.
You won’t have to make excuses. Period.
You will be selfish in the best humanly way possible and take care of yourself for once in your goddamned life and answer to no one.
You will feel normal again.
You’ll remember what it’s like to feel whole again.
You won’t feel stupid and betrayed. Instead you’ll feel empowered and inspired to be the best version of you.
You’ll love the person you are and take pride in that.
You’ll wake up.
Posted on December 15, 2017
Have you ever read lyrics that you relate to like 100%? Yes, it is an older song that I have listened to more times than I can count. However, at this point in time it fits 10000000%.
There are moments in life where you sit there and it is literally like that meme of the dog sitting in a room that is on fire and is just like “this is fine”.
For me, this past semester I had a lot of personal stuff go on. So personal that I will not openly speak about it (and I’m very open about a lot of personal stuff but some stuff is better left unsaid) and with my blog and Instagram I was just getting in the swing of things. Getting a schedule, posting, planning etc and when life gave me a dose of reality I had to take a step back. That is the one thing I cannot stand is the fake social media because life is not always perfect and no matter how many filters you use it is not going to change that.
If you are on my Instagram you may have noticed the lack of posts lately. I took time off from work and school as well to be honest so when I say I needed to take a step back…I meant like WAY back. School took a little hit but I still passed and it is what it is. Let me also say that everyone is okay.
There are times where you just need to not care about certain things but take the time to work on you and your mental health and overall well-being. Plus, aside from everything else I got a letter about my 6 month check up on my tumor. Which, as I write that I realize I never actually spoke about that on here…
Sidebar; I have a 2 inch benign tumor in my right breast in the deep tissue that I have to keep an eye on and at some point get it removed. We aren’t 100% certain how or why I developed one but we think it was my birth control and the hormones. So there is that, and then I have to get ultrasounds on my ovaries and see if I do indeed have endometriosis like my mom did because I’m starting to have the signs of it. Which, we have been preparing for since I was a teenager. Brandon and I have already discussed about all the “what if”s and we will cross the bridge when we get there. But, since I have had a kidney infection, issues upon issues with my lady bits with cysts and overall pain, and then my tumor within the last 5 and a half years….we basically had to have the discussion ya know.
I’ve had a love hate relationship with God over the last year (years really but it comes and goes) and I know what doesn’t kill you makes you a stronger person but fuck I’d like ya know…shit to go right.
Anywhoo, this was meant to be brief.
Happy notes, I have THREE yes THREE classes left and then I am done with my first degree. Next week I see my mom for the first time since LAST Christmas, and we are going to D.C. for two days. I got a new car, her name is Stella. Um, Sylvester is nice and big and happy. If you don’t know who that is….well you are missing out on fuzzy cuteness.
Just know that things can hit rock bottom and it is okay to need to take a breather and things can turn around over time. It is hard and you are going to want to scream until there is no more air in your lungs but you have to push through.
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